Its now 6.35 PM Friday.
It has not been a good day for my
wife….and for me. She started coughing yesterday afternoon and it got
progressively worse as night-time came. The coughing exhausts her and what was
at the beginning merely an irritating twitch became a concern for me by the
time visiting hours was over yesterday.
Today she has been coughing every
few minutes throughout the day. They had taken an X ray of her chest this
afternoon and while the Doctor did not find anything out of the ordinary, we
are waiting for a second opinion from another doctor. And so we wait.
Today I decided to spend the night
at the hospital. With my wife coughing away I know I will not be able to sleep
at home so I might as well not be able to sleep in the hospital and be there
for her.
And this is where I am now…it’s just
past 8.30 pm. She had taken her medications and we are waiting for the nurse
to do a change of her diapers to make sure that she is dry as she goes to
sleep.
I know many of us have gone through
periods like this in our life. Times of uncertainty, worry and a feeling of
hopelessness in not being able to make things just that much better and easier for our
loved ones during their period of illness or as old age takes them into that time
of their lives when they are no longer able to care of the themselves and are
dependent on us.
I have worried so much for my
ability to cope should I be faced with the need to care for my loved ones. The
doubt was more for what I know of myself. At 67 I know that for most of my
working life I have never call a place home for more that a few years – five
years at most. I am restless and the ordinary bores me to distraction. Ask my
children and they will tell you that home can be in Tasik Titiwangsa, Bangsar, Adelaide, Perth,
Sydney and Melbourne ……and for my daughter it is now Toronto. For my wife she
takes moving between London, Malaysia and Australia in her stride and at most
will ask why I chose to go where I said we are going to this time around. So how will I manage with something so
permanent as dementia?
I don’t have the answer to that yet.
It is a work in progress but If a mother can love a baby for whom she has to do
everything…and I do mean everything…I guess the same happens when someone you
love becomes dependent on you.
However people with dementia do not
get better. So how do you deal with that reality?
With great difficulty. With great
difficulty……
Sometimes when my wife has been
looking at my face for a while I can see a tear in her eyes…and I ask
myself…..is she thinking of our life together? Of the times in the 60’s when we
were in London together? Or is she thinking of that vibrant independent mother
that she once was who loved her children unconditionally and put up with a husband
wandering between Malaysia, London and Australia looking for something even he
would not know if he had found it? I know not what she thinks because I can no
longer ask her what I want to know!
Ahhhh I just got a smile from my
wife. I can see sleep in her eyes and as she yawned it dawned upon her that I
was in the chair beside her…and she smiled at me. That smile will keep me
comfortable until the morning!
The night nurse just made her rounds
and told me that they will be changing my wife’s diapers twice through the
night to make sure that she stays dry! I do not even do that at home! How good is that!
Its past 10 pm now and all is quiet
in the ward. My wife is drifting in and out of sleep and I think she will be
asleep soon. I, however, would prefer to stay awake writing my thoughts down
until morning.
For me my life’s journey is almost
at its tail end. If all goes well I may still have five to ten years of being
able to do what I want to do – whatever it is that I want to do…..before
senility and incapacity sets in. How many years more do you have? How many more
years do you want to have? What are the things in life that you still want to
do, have to do and hope
When you have lived for over six
decades these things crosses your mind. Not in any macabre or depressing way
but it will cross your mind. For me the pasts are vaults that I open as and
when it pleases me. I do not dwell on the positives or negatives of it….I only
remember what I want .
What I remember most of the past are
the good and memorable times with my wife and children. Driving for thousands of kilometers across
the Nullarbor desert from Perth to Adelaide and then on to Melbourne and then
back to Adelaide again –all within a period of one week. The times we spend on
my late father’s boat, Widuri, while it was anchored at Port Kelang – spending
weekends on the boat - just the
four of us. It was always when the four of us were together doing things by
ourselves that are the moments that stands out in my memory. And I know these
are the memories that I will think about in the last conscious moment of my own
life….so hopefully I will die with a smile on my face.
Ask yourself what you will recall of
your life as life ebbs away from within you. I have seen enough people die in
front of my eyes to know that death is not easy for most people. For many there
is fear in their eyes. For a few I see an acceptance of what is about to happen
to them. I have not seen anyone go to their death with a smile…never.
But enough of speaking about death.
I intend to celebrate life…what I have of it and what is left of it for me.
And10.30 pm on a Friday night sitting beside my wife in St Vincent hospital is
a good time and a good place to start. I am one of those people blessed with a
life that I want and sharing it with the people I want. Amen.
P.S:
Its now 12.02 am Saturday morning and I just got home. My wife have been sleeping quietly since 7.30 pm last night and no coughing until close to midnight - so I decided to come home and get some rest to ready myself for tomorrow. And so to sleep!
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