I have been asked politely but nevertheless firmly by a few of those that stop to read what I write, why I am asking you all to give a little towards the costs of getting what we need to provide for the care of my wife.
It is now 4.56 am and I do not mind telling you that those questions have kept me awake for the past one hour. I woke up just before 4 am with a few thoughts in my head about what to write to answer those questions but I could not put into words what I felt because there was anger, self pity and some puzzlement within me - all jumbled up and without enough clarity to enable me to put words to paper. And so I do what I normally do when I am faced with those kind of dilemma. I make myself a cappuchino and take a few minutes to gather my thoughts - in fact I took almost an hour to gather my thoughts and now I am ready to write.
The simple answer to those question is this : Nobody pays me to work on this blog...and though it is a labor of love, 6342 (six thousand three hundred and forty two) postings since I started in 2009, it is still work!
Last month in July, I did 60 postings.
In June 96 postings
And May 84 postings.
I do put in a lot of work into steadyaku47 and I would like to think that I can request for a donation when the need arises for me to do so - and taking care of my wife's physical and medical needs - is a need that has become necessary in these last few weeks. It is a donation not a want. It is a request not an ask. It is a "if you please" not "you must". For those of you who have assisted us......thank you so very much.
And how is my wife?
Since I awoke an hour ago, so has she. These last few nights she wakes up at various times in the night and stays awake for hours and just looks my way. As you know she no longer can speak or bothers to speak ...or maybe the right way to say it would be that she has forgotten to speak. I know that she is looking at me and even as I try to sleep I know that I want to be awake to keep her company. And when I am awake I speak and she looks at me.....try doing that at 3 am in the morning and you will start to feel a bit strange. But I know it soothes her and relaxes her because once in a while she does smile at me and starts to drift off to sleep again.
Physically she gets weaker by the week. Standing up is an effort and cannot be done without our aid and walking requires a considerable effort on her part and she needs guidance and support from us to do so. In short she no longer moves when she is sitting or sleeping without our prompting - and we need to prompt her to move because we want her blood to flow to all parts of her body - so every few hours we take her for a walk around the apartment or down the corridors outside. On Sunday I took her for a drive all over the city and I knew she enjoyed herself because every time I asked if she wanted to drive some more...she said "more".
Her appetite is good but we need to be around her at every mealtime because we need to remind her to chew and swallow every mouth full she has. She never asks for food, snacks or a drink. Maybe she does not want to make the effort, maybe she has forgotten to do so - but sometimes she does give a thumbs up when I say that I am making something for her to eat - especially pumpkin soup which is her favorite.
How is all this getting to me?
I find the physical part of taking care of her very challenging. That is another way of saying it is physically hard for a 68 year guy (that's me) to hold my wife up when she is not helping me in anyway. I also have to keep reminding myself to slow down to her pace of doing things - her pace of eating and drinking and her pace of moving around. It is especially hard when dressing her up - especially when she is not in the mood to help me in any way. Try lifting the legs of someone uncooperative when you are trying to put their trousers on! Or someone refusing to raise their hands when you want to put their singlet on! Ditto for her undergarments, shoes etc etc!
I just had to go over to my wife's just now because she was scratching her pillow to attract my attention. Took a few moments to sit beside her and told her to try and go to sleep because it is too early (5.45 am) to wake up. No "yes" or "no" from her....just a smile to tell me that she has got me running to her every time she scratches her pillow!
Its almost 6 am now and I must try to get some sleep.
In closing can I say this. If you think I cheapen myself, my blog and what I write on this blog by asking for donations to help us out...then by all means click me out of your life. I am asking for donations because we are in need of help to make our life a bit more bearable...and for my wife I will do the asking and more if I have to. So please give a little if you can.
And now to sleep.