It is just past 8 on a Tuesday morning... and I have just listened to Elton John's "Something about The Way You Look Tonight"...and sometimes there are songs that takes me back to the past...and this one does.
To the times when my wife and me still had disagreements and argued about things - about things I can no longer remembered...but it mattered then. We had our likes and dislikes.... we still had conversations and still did our own things from time to time. My wife would still then walk for miles rather than take the bus to visit her sister living a suburb away....and sometimes when I knew that she was walking her way back home I would go looking for her in the car....invariably find her....and as usual she would say "I can walk back you know...." but she would still smile and get in the car grateful that I did come looking for her.
I remember our time in London...and so does she...when I would wait at our favorite corner of Selfridges waiting for her to finish work and to go home together. I remember the dresses she wore, the coat she had for Winter and the promise she made to me and kept ; That she would stopped smoking when we marry.
Today we no longer talk as we use to. Her dementia has robbed her of her ability to want to speak....we now communicate through smiles, a nod of the head and we exchange looks every now and then to tell each other what is in our hearts - for I know that she still loves me as I love her. What touches me inside is that sometimes she is in a world of her own...a world without me...and I have to turn her head towards me and try to bring her back into the world where I am. Most time that is enough...but increasingly she drifts of into that world again and again.
I have just look over to her in bed and she is awake...at least her eyes are open. I wave and there is no recognition...and so I walk over to her and giver her a hug and a peck on the cheek...and I get the smile I want...and I can then go back to writing this.
Sometimes even if it makes my heart heavy with memories of the past, I like to go back to the past - to the time when we were younger and did not know better about what life was to bring for both of us. Yes there are regrets but only a few. What matters is that today we are together. All things must pass.
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