Reprise.....
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
Calling in Sick
A high school had a policy that the parents must call the school if a student was to be absent for the day.
Kelly
(name changed to protect the guilty), deciding to skip school and go to
the mall with her friends waited until her parents had left for work
and called the school herself.
This is the actual conversation of the telephone call...
Kelly: "Hi, I'm calling to report that Kelly so-and-so is unable to make it to school today because she is ill.
Secretary at high school: "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I'll note her absence. Who is this calling?"
Kelly: "This is my mother."
Needless to say, she didn't pull it off!
The children were lined up
in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head
of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted
on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving
further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large
pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all
you want. God is watching the apples."
The teacher of the earth
science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about
latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I
asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude
and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?"
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."
The child comes home from his first day at school. Mother asks, "What did you learn today?"
The kid replies, "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow."
A man in a hurry taking his eight-year-old son to school made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited.
"Uh-oh, I think I just made an illegal turn!" the man said.
"It's okay, Dad," the boy said, "The police car right behind us did the same thing."
Teacher asked George: how can you prove the earth is round?
George replied: I can't. Besides, I never said it was.
A Kindergarten teacher was
observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would
occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one
little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
Little Johnny's kindergarten
class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw
pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted men.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want him very badly."
So Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
QANTAS
After
every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which
conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during
the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and
correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of
the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe
sheets before the next flight.
Never
let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as
submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
engineers. Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an
accident.
P refers to the problem logged by the pilot.
S refers to the solution and action taken by the engineers.
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per
minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a
midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
