Increasingly these days I find myself awake at odd hours during the night. Once awake my mind wanders untethered and is free to go where it please. Often I look back to the day that I have just lived and asks myself if I have lived it well. I asked if there was anything I should not have done or should have done and did I do what I did well. Was I untrue to myself in my deeds and did I harbor deceit and ill will in what I do. These conversation with myself are best kept to myself for as honest as I am with myself I would not want others to be privy to my true self. Others can only see that part of me that I will allow them to see. Is this not what you all do every day of your lives to the extent that deceit has become a friend that follows you everywhere we go? After all they say a little white lie hurts know one!
There are also times when lying awake in the early early hours of the morning makes me go through the events of my life. Times spent with loved ones, acquaintances and friends. Episodes of life that stays with you because there were times when all was good and love - love of your partner, your children, parents - abounds without a single thought that it would go away or will ever diminished in intensity. For some that will be true for time immemorial, for others there will be reason enough to think otherwise for life will invariably throw a curve ball at you. If you are good enough you take it square on and hit the ball way into the grandstand....if not you better get out of its way or you will be hurt.
We all play these mind games with ourselves. You can make yourself believe anything you want when you are debating with yourself. Always you emerge the hero until you enter back into the real world. In that world there there will be people who will disagree with you, debate with you and even dismiss you without so much as a "pardon me" ...and for bloggers like me, the click of the mouse to banish my blog into the nothingness of the world wide web takes as much energy as a blink of an eye.
I am mindful of this. This is why I try do to write about that which comes from my heart and mind. Sometimes I allow my passion and my druthers to stray me towards my personal inclinations but even when I do I must have enough reason to argue why I do so. And I listen. I listen avidly and I hear what others say and think for I believe that from them I can learn.
But there are times when I write what comes from my heart. When it moves me I will go sit at my desk, power on my PC with a tap of the keyboard as my PC is on standby at all times and I start to write about whatever is on my mind. When I am done I check for grammar and flow and then press publish and that is that. Sometimes I read what I write after it is on my blog and I do ask myself "Did I write that?" because when you write with your heart the words tends to come from your heart not from your mind...and I am often amaze that my heart and my mind are at times two different beasts within me self that I do not have full control over.
Sometimes I deliberately write to poke, debate and discuss issues and thoughts that interest me and hopefully interests you to.
But I must confess that there are times when I write to get the number of clicks that makes me swell with pride that there are people out there that wants to read what I write....syiok sendiri ma! No excuses for doing so because I know the devil within me made me do that!