It is very strange that the years teach us patience - that the shorter our time, the greater our capacity for waiting.
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
I have all the money I'll ever need - if I die by 4:00 p.m. today.
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential
Don't steal. That's the government's job.
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
I'm a humble person, really. I'm actually much greater than I think I am.
There are three kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading. The ones who learn by observation. And the rest of them who have to touch the fire to learn it's hot.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
Why is it called Alcoholics ANONYMOUS when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?
Losing a husband can be hard: in my case it was almost impossible.
Insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.
Silence doesn't mean your sexual performance left her speechless.
I like you. People say I've no taste, but I like you.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
Birthdays are good for you - the more you have the longer you live.
I thought I was wrong once, but it turns out I was mistaken.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
Oh Lord, give me patience, and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!
To do is to be [Descartes]. To be is to do [Voltaire]. Do be do be do [Frank Sinatra].
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else
If idiots could fly this place would be an airport…
I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
Boldly going nowhere.
I've found Jesus! He was behind the couch the whole time.
Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot….
I wonder what life would have been like if you had had enough oxygen at birth.
If you can read this, the bitch fell off... [Seen on the back of a biker's vest]
People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.
A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.
He may look like an idiot, and talk like an idiot, but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
I souport publik edekasion
No Radio - Already Stolen (Bumper Sticker)
I found the Lord, I have Jesus in my trunk...