Sunday 1 February 2009

Practical Guide to Everyday Life in KL

Now for something different. ...

A short discourse on what to do when you are stopped by the Mata Mata for "an alleged" traffic infringement that you "did not do" and if you did "there were good reasons for you to do so". MM stands for Mata Mata and NOT Mahathir Mohamad and G stands for "GUA" as in ourselves. I shall let G speaks only when necessary - the rest of the conversation is self explanatory. 

MM: Selamat Petang Encik.
         Ini dari mana ni?
         Awak telah buat kesalahan. 

Gua: Minta maaf Datok.

MM:  Kamu kerja atau student lagi?
         Kerja mana?
         Kalau bisness bolehlah bayar summon.
         Summon ni $350.

 Gua: Tolong sikit boleh settle tak?

MM:Kalau nak tolong boleh tapi macham mana. Awak nak settle macham mana.

Gua:Minta maaf Datok.

MM:Minta maaf aja tak boleh lah....

(some discussions now ensued between the two re the quantum payable..... agreement mutually reached and payment method agreed upon).

MM: Ok letak bawah lesen. ...lain kali jangan buat lagi. Selamat Petang.  

Please note how economical and precise his questions are. Once he knows who you are and what is your ability to pay he starts negotiating price and method of payment (letak bawah lesen). This is what I do.

Standard answer from me is that I am coming from Putrajaya or PWTC. This immedietly gets them to be on the defensive...who the hell is this guy??? To their question as to what I do for a living - never ever say business because then you are fair game. Either you are working with SEDC, DBKL or one of the Badan Berkanun will do. For me because of my age I tell them I am a  retired TKSU (if I fell good  - then KSU straight away lah - it helps if you do know a KSU and assume his identity for the duration of his incident). What happens next is that the MM will apologize profusely for delaying you on your "Urusan Negara" and waved you on.

When traveling interstate I suggest that when stopped for speeding just inform the MM that you are on your way for a meeting with the MB. Just a reminder...make sure that the MB is actually in town and it would help if you know the name of his Pol Sec (for the uninitiated that stands for Political Secretary). 

Either that or the SS (State Secretary) , KPP (Ketua Pegawai Polis ) are designations that would put the fear of God into these MM. Before you leave just take the trouble to find out the names of these people. That will really impress those bastards and save you paying those fines.....but be aware that you should only try this if you are driving a suitable luxury vehicle (Perdana upwards)...Proton or Kanchil cannot lah. 



  1. ..this is really what i do..been driving without a license for the past ten years !!!...but only in KL.