Monday 24 December 2012

To those of you that thinks that I am getting too serious with my blog, too committed to high ideals and impossible levels of decency and openness in government and too full of myself for my own is proof that I am not.

Steadyaku47 comment: With thanks to Pat from The English Cottage.  

Sounds dirty? It really isn't, you know!

Top 10 things that sound dirty - but, in a law firm, are not: 

 10. Have you looked through her briefs?
 9. He is one hard judge.
 8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
 7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
 6. Is it a penal offense?
 5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
 4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
 3. Can you get him to drop his suit? 

 2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

 And the number one thing that sounds dirty but in law, isn't is:

1. Think you can get me off?

The Top 10 things that sound dirty, but in the office, are not:

 10. I need to whip it out by 5.
 9. Mind if I use your laptop?
 8. Just stick it in my box.
 7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
 6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!!
 5. Hmmm, I think it's out of fluid!
 4. Your equipment is so old; it takes forever to finish.
 3. It's an entry-level position.
 2. When do you think you'll be getting it off today?

 And the number one thing that sounds dirty but at the office, isn't is:

   1. It's not fair. I do all the work while he just sits there!!!

The Top 10 things that sound dirty, but in golf, are not:

10. Damn, my shaft is bent.
 9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk.
 8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
 7. Look at the size of his putter.
 6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
 5. Mind if I join your threesome?
 4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
 3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip!
 2. Nice stroke, but your follow-through leaves a lot to be desired.

 And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in golf isn't is:

1. Hold up! I need to wash my balls first!

1 comment:

  1. Pak Hussein, if you have not heard this joke or if your readers haven't try this one:

    My wife said to me, "George, it is about time that you learned golf - you know, golf -- that's the game where you chase a ball all over the country when you are too old to chase women."
    So I went to see Jones and asked him if he would teach me how to play. He said, "Sure, you've got balls, haven't you?" "Yes," I said, "Sometimes on cold mornings they're kinda hard to find."
    "Bring them to the clubhouse tomorrow," he said, "and we have to tee off in front of the clubhouse." "Not for me," I said, "You can tee off there if you want to but I'll tee off behind the barn somewhere."
    "No, no," he said, "a tee is a little thing about the size of your little finger." "Yeah, I got one of those." "Well," he said, "You stick it in the ground and put your ball on top of it." I asked, "Do you play golf sitting down? I always thought that you stood up and walked around." "You do," he said, "You're standing up when you put your ball on the tee.

    Well, folks, I thought that was stretching things a little too far, and I said so. He said, "You've got a bag, haven't you?" "Sure," I said. He said, "Your balls are in it, aren't they?" "Of course," I told him.
    "Well," he said, "can't you open the bag and take one out?" I said, "I suppose I could," but damned if I was. He asked if I didn't have a zipper on my bag, but I told him, "No, I'm the old fashioned type."
    Then he asked me if I knew how to hold my club. Well, after fifty years, I should have some sort of an idea, and I told him so. He said, "You take your club in both hands," --Folks, I knew right then he didn't know what he was talking about. Then he said, "You sling it over your left shoulder." "No, no, that's not me, that's my brother you are thinking about." He asked me, "How do you hold your club?"
    And before I thought, I said, "In two fingers". He said that wasn't right and got behind me and put both arms around me and told me to bend over and he would show me how. He couldn't catch me there, because I didn't put four years in the Navy for nothing. He said, "You hit the ball with your club and it will soar and soar." I said I could well imagine. Then he said, "And when you're on the green." - "What's the green?" I asked.
    "That's where the hole is," he said. "Sure you are not color blind?" I asked. "No, no. Then you take your putter" -- "What's the putter?" I asked. "That's the smallest club made," he said. "That's what I've got, a putter."

    And with it, he said, you put your ball in the hole. I corrected, you mean the putter. He said, "The ball, the hole isn't big enough for the ball and the putter too." Well - I've seen holes big enough for a horse and wagon. Then, he said, after you make the first hole, you go on to the next seventeen.

    He wasn't talking to me. After two holes, I'm shot to hell. You know, he said, you can't make eighteen holes in one day? "Hell no, it takes me eighteen days to make one hole, besides, how do I know when I'm in the eighteenth hole?" He said, "The flag will go up."

    That would be just my luck!

    Enjoy your golf
    Gomer Pyle