I have known for a long time why people need GOD. It is for those times when things happen to you and to others for no rhyme nor reason - not only the good but also the bad. As rational as we are, we do not have an infinite capacity to understand every thing that happens to us. And when that limit to think for ourselves is reached then that is the time when GOD is needed.
It is just past 5 am and I am in one of those moments.
My wife has had a restless night. Come to think of it she has been having these restless nights more often than not these last few weeks. Her medication to allow her restful sleep is no longer working. What she does when she is awaken from her sleep is to lay there and look at me - whether I am beside her in bed or at my table nearby working on my blog. From the time I put her to bed until I get her out of bed she does not move from the position we lay her to bed earlier on - physically she no longer have the strength to move herself.....so she lays there asleep or awake and only her eyes follow me wherever I am. So this morning when I myself cannot sleep and am at my desk writing, I see that she too cannot sleep and is looking at me. I am torn between writing and going over to her side to ask her to please try and sleep.
And in this kind of moment I am sometimes unable to fathom why life is the way it is.
I am unable to understand why my wife has dementia. I do understand that people get sick and old age brings with it dementia and other burdens that we must all face but I cannot understand why it must be my wife. If there is some sense of order and karma in this world, in this universe and in life, then dementia is for others to suffer - not for my wife because all that she has done in her life is to give unconditional love to our children and be a good and dutiful wife to me. And it is in trying to understand what my wife is going through now that I start asking questions that I cannot answer. And so I lie awake in the early hours of the morning thinking and thinking - but thinking without real answers.
As I have said many times before, I revel in my isolation from all things - from other people, from all things Malaysians and even from all things Australians. I am comfortable in my isolation. None more so in the early mornings when the deafening silence around me is the time when I can think.
And some times I think of the futility of life!
I begin to understand why people are prepared to give their life for causes they believe in. They do so because there really is nothing left for them. No hope, no future and nothing but to try and make something of their life in any way that they can - and if a cause asks that they sacrifice their life for it - then they will do so.
Whether to do so is a brave or a cowardly thing to do is for each and every one of us to decide in our own way but do not forget that in the end it is a brave thing that they do for they have the fortitude to do what they think they must do. How many of you will do what you think is right without fearing the consequences of your action? Not many!
It is now almost 6.30 am and I am beginning to tire and so I must to sleep. I will go to sleep with the girl I met when I was 21 and she 23....and that in itself says a lot about what life is all about. Love.