Wednesday 4 December 2013

cakap cakap...joke lagi!

With Thanks to flyer 1668:

Airline and Aviation Humor

Aircraft-to-Tower Radio Transmissions

       Pilot (Speedbird 206): "Frankfurt tower, Speedbird 206 is clear of the active runway."
       Tower: "Speedbird 206, taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
       Pilot (Speedbird 206): [silence, standing still just off of the runway]
       Tower: "Speedbird 206, don't you know where to go?"
       Speedbird 206: "Stand by tower, I'm looking up the gate location now."
       Tower (growing impatient): "Speedbird 206, haven't you ever been to Frankfurt?"
       Pilot (Speedbird 206): "Yes, twice in 1944 -- but it was dark and I didn't land."

       Tower: "UA 563 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, two o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
       Pilot (UA 563): "Approach, I've always wanted to say this ... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

       Tower: "Do you have enough fuel or not?"
       Pilot: "Yes."
       Tower: "Yes what??"
       Pilot: "Yes, SIR!!"

       Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
       Pilot (Eastern 702): "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, as we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
       Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy the report from Eastern 702?"
       Pilot (Continental 635): "Continental 635, roger, cleared for takeoff; and yes, we copied Eastern, and have already notified our caterers."

       Pilot (KLM 242): "Good morning Zurich tower, KLM 242 requests start up and push back, please."
       Tower: "KLM 242 expect start up in two hours."
       Pilot (KLM 242): "Please confirm: two hour delay??"
       Tower: "Affirmative."
       Pilot (KLM 242): "In that case, cancel the good morning!"

       Tower (to pilot after landing): "Just to let you know, on the approach you were a little bit left of the centerline."
       Pilot: "That is correct, Sir. And my first officer was slightly to the right."

       Pilot: "Bangor Departure, this is Cessna Four Seven Six Bravo."
       Tower: "Cessna Four Seven Six Bravo, Bangor go ahead."
       Pilot: "Bangor, I don't seem to be making much progress here. How is my ground speed?"
       Tower: "Cessna Four Seven Six Bravo, it all depends. If you're a hang glider, you're doing pretty well."

       Pilot: "Tower, request permission to enter your control zone."
       Tower: "Negative."
       Pilot: "Tower, did you say 'negative'?"
       Tower: "Affirmative."
       Pilot: "Understood 'affirmative'. Will call when leaving zone."

       Pilot (LH 876): "Request heading 110 to avoid."
       Tower: "To avoid what!?"
       Pilot (LH 876): "To avoid delay."

       Tower: GAF 269 you are cleared to Destination Indian Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4,000 feet thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6,000 feet or below after passing 15,000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept j156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept j158 own navigation, read back.
       Pilot (GAF 269): Roger, GAF 269 is cleared to Destination Indian Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4,000 feet thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6,000 feet or below after passing 15,000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept j156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept j158 own navigation and ... annnndd I need another pencil!!

       Unknown Pilot (waiting in a very long takeoff queue): "I'm f**king bored."
       Tower: "Last aircraft transmitting, please identify yourself immediately!!"
       Unknown Pilot: "I said I was f**king bored, not f**king stupid."

       Tower: "Flight 2431, for noise abatement turn right 20 degrees."
       Pilot (Flight 2431): "Roger, but we're at 35,000 feet, how much noise can we make up here?"
       Tower: "Flight 2431, have you ever heard the noise a 707 makes when it collides with a 727?"

       Lost Student Pilot: "Unknown airport with a Cessna 150 circling overhead, please identify yourself."

       Tower: "You have traffic at ten o'clock, six miles out."
       Pilot: "Can you please be more specific, we have digital watches!"

       Tower: "You fly on for the 26 on approach, landing number 2 behind one DC-9 in the short."
       Pilot: "Understood, I fly for the 29, follows the DC-6".
       Tower: "Not quite right. The landing strip was 26 and your traffic is a DC-9."
       Pilot: "Okay, I follow the DC-26 ... What was the landing strip again?"

       Tower: "Kilo Mike Delta, are you proceeding to TGO?"
       Pilot: "Yes Sir, more or less."
       Tower: "In that case, proceed a little bit more to TGO!"

       Tower: Cessna N1234, be advised wake turbulence 737.
       Pilot (Cessna N1234): San Jose tower be advised the Cessna is ahead of the 737.
       Tower: UA 1201, be advised wake turbulence Cessna 172.
       Pilot (UA 1201): ... Uh, roger [giggling and laughter in the background]

       Pilot (Cessna N2349): "Tower -- Cessna N2349 -- student pilot -- out of fuel!!"
       Tower: "Roger Cessna N2349'er, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?"
       Pilot (Cessna N2349): "Uh ... tower, I am on the south ramp. I just want to know where the fuel truck is."

       Tower: "Hotel Papa Oscar climb four thousand to six thousand and maintain."
       Pilot: "Hotel Papa Oscar, climbing to flight level 100."
       Tower: "Hotel Papa Oscar, climb to flight level 60 and maintain."
       Pilot: "... but four plus six equals ten??"
       Tower: "Hotel Papa Oscar 'increase' to six thousand, no math required."

       SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul tells of the following exchange: "One day as Walt (my back-seater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13 miles high, we were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace. Although they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope. I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its ground speed. '90 knots,' Center replied. Moments later, a twin engine Beech requested the same. '120 knots,' Center answered. We weren't the only ones proud of our ground speed that day as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, 'Uh, Center, Dusty 52 requests ground speed readout.' There was a slight pause, then the response, 'Dusty 52, 525 knots on the ground.' Then came another silent pause. Just as I was thinking to myself how ripe the situation was, I heard the crackle of our radio as Walt transmitted 'Center, Aspen 20, you got a ground speed readout for us?' There was a longer than normal pause. 'Aspen 20, I show you at 1,742 knots.' No further speed inquiries were made after that."

       In another popular SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to flight level 600 (60,000 feet). The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet?" The SR-71 pilot responded, "We don't plan to go up to it, we plan to go down to it!"

Boarding and Pre-Flight Humor

       A retired Alaska Airlines Captain, flying as a dead head passenger aboard Alaska Airlines flight 498 from Seattle to San Francisco, related the following public safety announcement from memory to his laptop computer just moments after it was made:
       Flight Attendant: "Hello, and welcome aboard Alaska Airlines flight 498 to San Francisco. If you're going to San Francisco, you're in the right place. If you're not going to San Francisco, you're about to have a really long evening ...
       We'd now like to tell you about some important safety features of this aircraft. The most important safety feature we have aboard this plane is -- the flight attendants. Please look at one now. There are five exits aboard this plane: two at the front, two over the wings, and one out of the plane's rear. If you're seated in one of the exit rows, please don't store your bags by your feet. That would be a really bad idea. Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit. Count the rows of seats between you and the exit. In the event that the need arises to find one, trust me, you will be glad you did. We have pretty blinking lights on the floor that will blink in the direction of the exits. White ones along the normal rows, and pretty red ones at the exit rows ...
       In the event of a loss of cabin pressure these baggy things (oxygen masks) will drop down above your head. You stick it over your nose and mouth like the flight attendants are showing you now. The bag will not inflate, but there is oxygen there -- I promise. If you're sitting next to a small child, or someone who is acting like a small child, please do us all a favor and put your mask on first. If you are traveling with two or more children, please take a moment now to decide which one is your favorite. Help that one first, then work your way down ...
       In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I'm having my own personal summer -- it makes a very good fan. It also has pretty pictures. Please take it out now and play with it.
       Now please take a moment to make sure that your seat belts are fastened low and tight around your waist. To fasten the belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle. To release, it is a pulley thing -- not a pushy thing like your car because you are in an airplane -- Hellooo!! ...
       There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, we will assume that you're on fire and put you out. This is a free service that we provide. There are two smoking sections on this flight, one on the outside of each wing exit. We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight -- hold on, let me check and see what it is ... Oh here it is, the movie tonight is 'Gone with the Wind' ...
       In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it is going to get really dark, really fast. If you are afraid of the dark, now would be a good time to reach up and press the yellow button. The yellow button turns on your reading light. Please do not press the orange button (attendant) unless you absolutely have to. The orange button is your seat's ejection button. Just kidding. We are glad to have you on board with us today, and thank you for choosing Alaska Airlines."

       Flight Attendant: "... Your seat cushions may be used as floatation devices. In the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

       Male Flight Attendant: "Ladies and gentlemen, we aren't anticipating a full flight, so at this time please look around, and if you don't like the looks of the person sitting next to you, feel free to move to another seat in the cabin. Or, if you see someone you would rather be sitting next to -- for example, the blonde in row 10, this would be a good time to do so."

       Pilot: "Sorry about the delay in pushing back from the gate, but apparently they don't take American Express at the gas pumps."

       Flight Attendant: "... There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only six ways to leave this aircraft."

       Flight Attendant: "... Please use the lavatory in your section. The ones in first class aren't any different, except for a little linen fold that I can never seem to get right anyway."

       Flight Attendant: "... The only place to smoke on today's flight is out on the wing. Please step through, right foot first, and follow the arrows. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

       Flight Attendant (after a delay in taking off): "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that the machine that rips the handles off luggage is broken. [cheers, laughter] The bad news is that our departure will be temporarily delayed while they fix it."

       Flight Attendant: "... In the unlikely event of a water-landing, you will find a sexy yellow life-jacket under your seat, now being modeled by the flight attendants. The life-jacket is also equipped with a light -- so you can read while waiting to be rescued."

       A young flight attendant, fresh out of training, did not realize that "La Guardia" and "New York" were the same place. While the plane was in line awaiting clearance to taxi to the runway, a passenger asked her what time would they be landing in New York, at which point the flight attendant exclaimed, "Oh my god, you're on the wrong plane!" The captain was immediately informed of a misloaded passenger and, without knowing anything further, requested permision to taxi back to the terminal. He instructed the attendant to make an announcement in case other people had also boarded by mistake. "Ladies and gentlemen," she began, "If you are traveling to New York, we regret to inform you this plane is headed to La Guardia."

In Flight Humor

       Pilot: "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants ..."

       Pilot: "The weather at our destination is a cool 50 degrees with some broken clouds. We are hopeful that they'll have them fixed before we arrive."

       Pilot's welcome (after learning of his airline's award, on another route): "... We are pleased to have some of the very best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight."

       Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move around the cabin as you wish, but please stay inside the aircraft until we land -- it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

       Pilot (after a failed landing and coming in for another): "Ladies and Gentlemen, it's happy hour. You just received two landings for the price of one."

After Landing Humor

       Flight Attendant: "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses. Thank you."

       Flight Attendant: "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything behind, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

       Flight Attendant: "Welcome to the San Francisco International Airport. Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate. At no time in history has a passenger ever beaten a plane to the gate. So please don't try. Please be careful opening the overhead bins because, quite frankly, 'Shift Happens.' Thank you again for choosing Alaska Air."

       Flight Attendant (after a bumpy landing): "Sorry about the bumpy landing. It's not the captains fault. It's not the co-pilots fault. It's the asphalt."

       Flight Attendant (after a hard landing): "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

       Flight Attendant: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today, and the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

       Flight Attendant (after a bouncy landing): "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the gate."

       Flight Attendant (greeting people at the exit): "We hope you enjoyed your flight with Pan Am today. If not, thank you for flying TWA."

Aircraft Service Requests and Responses

       Problem as Reported: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
       Service Response: Evidence removed.

       Problem as Reported: DME volume unbelievably loud.
       Service Response: Volume set to more believable level.

       Problem as Reported: Main tire on left inside almost needs replacement.
       Service Response: Left inside tire almost replaced.

       Problem as Reported: No. 3 engine missing.
       Service Response: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

       Problem as Reported: Mouse in cockpit.
       Service Response: Cat installed.

       Problem as Reported: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
       Service Response: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

       Problem as Reported: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
       Service Response: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3, and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

       Problem as Reported: Something loose in cockpit.
       Service Response: Something tightened in cockpit.

       Problem as Reported: Dead bugs on windshield.
       Service Response: Live bugs on backorder.

       Problem as Reported: Aircraft acting funny.
       Service Response: Aircraft warned to "Straighten up, fly right, and be serious."

       Problem as Reported: IFF inoperative.
       Service Response: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

       Problem as Reported: No. 2 ADF needle runs wild.
       Service Response: Caught and tamed No. 2 ADF needle.

       Problem as Reported: Suspected crack in windsheild.
       Service Response: Suspect you're right.

       Problem as Reported: Three roaches in cabin.
       Service Response: Two roaches killed, one wounded and missing in action.

       Problem as Reported: Radar hums.
       Service Response: Reprogrammed radar with words.

       Problem as Reported: The autopilot doesn't.
       Service Response: It does now.

       Problem as Reported: Pilot's clock inoperative.
       Service Response: Wound clock.

       Problem as Reported: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
       Service Response: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

       Problem as Reported: Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500 pounds.
       Service Response: Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300 pounds.

       Problem as Reported: Unfamiliar noise coming from No. 2 engine.
       Service Response: Ran engine for two hours. Noise now familiar.

       Problem as Reported: Noise coming from No. 2 engine. Sounds like a man with a little hammer.
       Service Response: Took little hammer away from man in No. 2 engine.

       Problem as Reported: Whinney noise coming from No. 2 engine compartment.
       Service Response: Returned little hammer to man in No. 2 engine.

       Problem as Reported: Weather radar went ape.
       Service Response: Opened radar, let ape out.

       Problem as Reported: Whinning sound heard on engine shutdown.
       Service Response: Pilot removed from aircraft.

Aviation Jokes

       A TV journalist is interviewing a elderly former Polish fighter pilot:

       Interviewer: So Mr. Stanczewski, I understand that in 1943 you shot down five German aircraft in a single engagement. Could you tell us what happened?
       Polish Fighter Pilot: Well we were flying at 20,000 feet when we spotted five Fokkers flying along below us. So we dove down and I aimed at one of the Fokkers and fired a burst from my machine guns right into him and he exploded. Then I saw that one of the Fokkers was on my tail, so I pulled round in a loop and got behind him, and fired and he went down on fire. I looked around and saw two Fokkers attacking my squadron leader, so slipped in behind them, and fired, and that was another Fokker going down in flames. The other Fokker tried to get away from me, but I got right up behind him, and blasted him with my machine guns and he turned over and exploded. There was only one of the Fokkers left now, and he was trying to get away, but I flew up behind him, shot - bang, bang, bang - and he blew up too!
       Interviewer: I should point out for the benefit of the viewers at home, that the Fokker was a type of German aircraft used in the war.
       Polish Fighter Pilot: No, no!! These fokkers were Messerschmitts!

       A photographer for a magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire. The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically. "Fly over the north side of the fire," the photographer demanded, "and make several low-level passes." "Why?" asked the nervous pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures!" barked the photographer. "I'm a photographer. Photographers take pictures." Seemingly confused, the pilot retorted, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

       A 747 is over flying the Pacific Ocean when the pilot comes over the intercom: "Folks, we've lost an engine. No cause for alarm because we can fly safely on three. We will, however, be two hours late in reaching our destination." About an hour later the pilot comes over the intercom: "We've lost another engine. No cause for alarm because we can fly safely on two. We will, however, be four hours late in reaching our destination." About an hour later the pilot comes over the intercom: "We've lost yet another engine. Still no cause for alarm because we can fly safely on one. We will, however, be eight hours late in reaching our destination." One annoyed passenger turned to the other one seated next to him and said, "If that fourth engine quits, we'll be up here all night!"

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