Friday 21 August 2009


After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
P  refers to the problem logged by the pilot.
S  refers to the solution and action taken by the engineers.
 P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per
    minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a
    midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.



  1. I found the humour extremely funny. Being a pilot and being train in Australia, that really tickles me. However I beg to differ on the accident thingy. I recall a couple of years back a Qantas B747-400 landed in Don Muang airport in Bangkok on one stormy night 'arrived' at the golf course. Don Muang has a golf course on it.
    The other that nearly becomes a statistic is when an oxygen cylinder blew its top and rip out part of the fuselage of a B747-400 over the Pacific. The aircraft made an emergency landing in Manila. Initially they tried to blame MAS for it, only to find out MAS did maintenance on their B737.

  2. 'Arrived' at the Golf made me laugh!! Just thinking of a Qantas B747-400 arriving at a golf course has made my day today. Tq for your comment re the 'accident thingy'. Australia is still where you left it but there are too many bloody Asians around now. Have a good day.