5.30 AM on a Saturday morning and I cannot sleep. Nightmares! It has been a long time since I have had nightmares - the type that has a life of its own and stirs your imagination into a long and winding path of recurring dreams and thoughts that disturbs your sleep and tires you out. After about an hour of falling in and out of sleep I decided that it would be better to wake myself up and get myself out of hell and into the present. I do just that and my mobile phone tells me that it is just past 5.30AM.
Too early for anything.
I power on my PC and read what I have written these last few days. Nothing positive. Nothing that can even lift up my own spirits or passion for life...what more lift others! What is wrong with me?
In the silence that surrounds me at this time of the morning these thoughts are deafening and bounces around in my head with increasing velocity until I think it will punch a hole in my skull and really make me go mental. I must get myself out of this place that I am in now..if not now, then soon....very soon!
A police siren in the distance pulls me into reality.
Saturday early morning is the best time to have positive thoughts ......and so I start writing what is in my head...and my my head starts to clear itself of negativity and I start the journey back into the living!
These last two weeks my sleeping pattern has changed. We (my son and me) have decided that my wife should go to sleep earlier and wake up earlier so that our days starts at around 10 AM when she starts having her breakfast rather than around noon. That means earlier dinners. I also make it a point of taking longer walks in the evenings with her so that physically she is ready to go to sleep earlier too. That means I go to sleep earlier too - around 11 PM....when I normally use to go to sleep after midnight or much much later. This new routine has unsettled me more that I care to admit to myself....hence, I guess, the mightmares I had last night. Anyway that is how I choose to rationalize it for myself.... and now on to positivity!
I have just, these last few months or so, discover facebook. Even though I have known about facebook for quiet some time I have never bothered to go to facebook, what more explore it. Now not only do I know about facebook but I am beggining to familarize myself with what it is all about. For me facebook allows me to connect with people almost on a real time basis....and have "conversations" with them and you find so many old friends with whom you have lost touch for so many years. There is always something new and different in life...you only have to go and look for it...but what amazes me is that while facebook may be something I am just beggining to discover for myself, there are millions of people out there who have known about facebook for many many years! Why did somebody out there not tell me about it? Such is life...you have to go search for these things yourself! What others things are out there for me to discover?
Another thought has also crossed my mind....Am I being to apologetic for the Malays in my writing? Am I always writing about how the Malays should do this and do that to accomodate the other races and forgetting that integration and working towards 1Malaysia is a two way street? I must be or else these thoughts will not have entered my head. I am resolved to look into this and see if I can restore the balance and write about what the Malays feel about the the races too. This would be an interesting excercise...allowing my mind to wander and delve into the inner workings of the Malay mind...after all I too am a Malay and so I would not have far to travel to do that.
It has been just over an hour since I awoke from my nightmare and made myself write....its 6.24 AM. I feel better already and 6.24 AM is a good time to wake up. So enough for now.